Dreaming up the threats of the future (on the French Army's payroll)

What happens when you mix used-to-be-punk scifi writers and French soldiers? A space elevator and an ode to the glory of France!

Tip before we start: i use a lot of footnotes! On browser you can hover your mouse and see them in a little popup bubble. And on any platform, you can click on it to go to the bottom, and then click again on the number to get taken back to the top!¹

Now onto our regular programming…

What’s a soldier to do?

The year is 2020, and the French army is languishing at home in the midst of a pandemic. What is a soldier to do to protect their country when everything is closed down? No more patrolling national monuments, no more protecting football games,...

When suddenly, from the darkness of the night, the Ministry of Culture appears with a solution: you will help the anarcho-ecolo-anti-military science-fiction writers imagine the threats of the future!² So here go our soldiers, dining and wining France’s best³ living sci-fi writers, giving them access to some slightly confidential documents and see what the gauchiasses⁴ would regurgitate.

And so our little troup got a name: Red Team Défense. Because you know, English is cool and we very much need the Hollywood blockbuster aura to sell this shit to Président Macron⁵, without scaring away the actual readers.⁶ But it was approved, given a budget, and even some academic supervision to avoid controversies⁷.

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Space elevator by François Schuiten

France Wants to Conquer Space (Again?)

The first scenario starts with an opening like it’s the 1960’s space race, except France is still in the game – well no, they’re (we’re, i am French after all) super salty they’ve lost, so now that the US is destitute (because most of it has become a desert) and Russia too (because it’s become a swamp – don’t ask too many questions, it’s climate change!), it’s time to fly babyyy!

The crown jewel of this galactic pipe dream? A space elevator. Yes, a literal cord stretching from Earth to orbit, dangling like a fucking tampon cord⁸, built using a fictional “silk-carbon” material that’s strong enough to hold the weight of French pride. Of course we invented the material, everyone else’s labs are under water while Paris PREVAILS!

And where do we build this engineering marvel? Kourou, French Guiana—because when you want to cement your place as a global superpower, obviously, you plant your flag in the equatorial rainforest 7,000 kilometers from Paris. You know, to remind everyone of colonialism, but futuristic.

The plan is simple: establish a commercial stronghold in space, mine asteroids for resources, and single-handedly fix Earth’s economy and climate. Oh, and let’s not forget the real mission—getting the Americans to finally take us seriously. Because nothing says “we’re back, baby!” like a $100 billion cable tethered to an unstable geopolitical hotspot.

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Vive la Frugalité!

The book envisions this as the moment France leapfrogs over its global competitors, launching itself into a new golden age of commerce. Mining asteroids, you see, is the ultimate untapped market. Forget rare earth metals—what about rare space metals? The French economy will soar, corporate executives will toast with champagne (probably Champomy), and Paris will become the de facto capital of interplanetary capitalism.

But let’s pause for a moment. Do you know how expensive a space elevator is? Even fictionally? And this isn’t even accounting for maintenance, security, or the astronomical insurance premiums (assuming Lloyd’s of London doesn’t just laugh and hang up the phone). France’s economy is already juggling protests, inflation, and a collapsing pension system, but sure—let’s gamble it all on asteroid gold. Très raisonnable.

The French military dreams up hybrid vehicles—tanks that double as boats and triple as planes. We’re too cool for you <3 (by François Schuiten)

In the same vein, let’s talk about war equipment, because what’s a good sci-fi scenario without a little va-t-en-guerre energy? Apparently, the one thing we need more than a space elevator is a tank that can swim. And fly. This makes you wonder: did anyone think about the logistics? Like how much it costs to lift a multi-ton flying tank into orbit? Or how quickly that tank will be turned into orbital confetti during the first pirate attack? The book doesn’t say. And honestly, I doubt anyone thought to ask, because the focus here is less on practicality and more on flexing.

Space Is the New Versailles

France’s obsession with space isn’t just about science or exploration; it’s about legacy. The authors seem desperate to recapture a time when France was synonymous with progress and power—when the Concorde ruled the skies, French philosophers ruled the salons, and French wine ruled the dinner table. Space is the new frontier for reclaiming that lost glory.

But here’s the kicker: in this future, France doesn’t even try to do it with international allies. There’s no mention of collaborating with ESA or pooling resources with, say, Germany or Italy. No, this is a solo mission—because nothing screams “team player” like hoarding asteroids while your neighbors argue over farm subsidies (well by 2060 the Netherlands are trying not to drown, and the Germans are suffocating under coal fog, but still).

Now, don’t get me wrong: this is a work of fiction, and one bankrolled (and reviewed, and approved and declassified) by the French Army at that! I didn’t expect it to be good, insightful or anywhere close to realistic (or we’d have Middle-East and the USA painted all over it). But still, i was taken aback by how unabashedly chauvinistic it all was!

I hope the sheer absurdity of the execution – from swimming tanks to asteroid-mining fantasies – gave you a good laugh. After all, space might be infinite, but delusion? Delusion is very, very French.

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The pirates attack the space elevator!

Now that i’ve got the introduction out of the way, let’s talk plot! What, did you think we would actually make it? No, after 30 pages of space elevator discussions and patting ourselves on the back for our future glory, the freaking pirates attack and destroy a) the last shuttle of materials for the elevator, b) the launching base of Kuru, and c) take hostage the entire team of scientists and governments officials. Vive la France!

Where do those pirates come from, you ask? Well, colonialism my dear (futurism, i said!). As climate changed and the waters went up, France retreated⁹ down on itself and left everyone to drown and die of thirst. Wait no, we sent “official recognition” for the new nations that rose from the ashes! Everyone knows a passport from Venezuela is the way out of a flooded coastal city!

So in the end, the space elevator is destroyed, the pirates expand into various oceans and seas (including the sodding Channel) and enforce new tolls all over the world. The story stops before it has to explain the consequences for France (if you don’t write it, it don’t exist!) but it does take the time to tell you that Elon Musk is not only still alive, but also still extremely rich and will save everyone thanks to his new neural-human-machine-interface microchip. This is a fictional book guys, you had one job :/

The pirate by François Schuiten

Endwords

Now this was scenario one of book one; there are still 4 in that same book, and another 2 seasons to go through. Would you like to hear more? Please tell me in the comments (or reply to this email) to let me know if i should make this a series!

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A few relevant links:

* The Red Team Défense official site : some of the documents are translated, and they did a good job making it look cool!

* My Notes about the various writers who are part of this team, if you want to explore their individual works

* If you want to hear more of the French Army shenanigans, i wrote a post about its techniques to scare younglings off the internet in the 2010s (i’m still traumatised enough that this is a pseudonym)

Thank you to

Gairik Sachdeva

for helping me edit this essay.

1. ← click me! So much easier to find your place again, right? I feel so smart now :)

2. Just kidding, most artists refused! Only military-compatible writers were selected.

3. Head over to Notes on the Substack app for recommendations of their best (translated) works – mostly BD (ie French-Belgian comics)

4. Woke leftists (it’s a porte-manteau word of “gauche”-left and “chiasse”-diarrea) - used sarcastically, because it’s actually a bunch of old white dudes who started as punks but are now much more on the right and no longer interested in fixing the system

5. certified Start-Up Nation fanboy

6. right-leaning, military-loving, rich old people (because the books cost 22e a piece when they come out! - i bought my copies second-hand)

7. Researchers from Paris Sciences et Lettres were voluntold — and honestly they’re the best if only for that university acronym!

8. Is it time for me to push my story of not getting diagnosed with endometriosis (a menstruation disease) even though my parents are doctors?

9. That’s the only surrender joke you’ll get out of me!